I really want to post some cute beach pictures from our trip last week. I want to post pictures of us smiling, playing on the beach, sitting on the balcony, etc. You know, those pictures that make you think, "What a sweet, perfect family!" It's ridiculous, but I look at those pictures on other people's pages and think, "I wish our lives were like that- fun and easy." Deep down I know that everyone has a story and that those people could be struggling with major issues, but don't fun pictures paint pretty stories?
I've decided that I'm a living example that you can be a happy person and worry too much. My name is April, and I'm a happy worrier. I'm generally a very happy person. I smile a lot, and most of my days are very good ones. However, I worry way too much. Maybe that's one reason God gave me Mike, who never very rarely worries. One night a few weeks ago, I had a horrible headache and told Mike that I thought it was stress-induced. {Background: We'd found out Mike's bilirubin and hemoglobin levels were not normal. We thought it might be cancer-related. He's also having an extremely hard time walking, due to muscle and nerve damage in his legs.} When I mentioned the word stress, Mike said, "Really? What are you stressed out about?" SERIOUSLY! This is my husband. This is how he's managed to fight cancer for almost 11 years. He has faith and leaves the rest to God. I struggle to leave my worries at the alter through the entire church service.
Mike says {in a very nice way} that I have a problem with pride. I thought men were the ones who struggled with pride! But I definitely worry too much about what people think about me/our family. God's worked in me regarding this ugly sin, but since having Trent, it's surfaced its ugly head once again. Lately I've focused on the fact that Trent doesn't say 20-50 words. I wonder if he would be talking more if I stayed at home with him. I worry that people think I'm not a good mom because my child isn't speaking in complete sentences at 19 months. It's crazy!! I know he is perfectly fine, but I still think about it. Another reminder that God is still working on my pride is the fact that I hate that people stare at us. Mike has a lot of trouble walking these days. He walks extremely slow, and it looks like every step is painful. I would probably stare at somebody walking like Mike too, but when I notice the stares, I want to say, "Yes, this is a side effect from his cancer treatment. He has muscle and nerve damage. It's reversible, and he should be able to walk normal again eventually. It isn't hurting him to walk, so please don't think I'm a bad person for letting him carry that diaper bag." Again, crazy! But it went through my mind tonight as we walked into the mexican restaurant.
So, that's the unedited me. I bet you wish I'd posted the beach pictures:)
Mike finds out tomorrow if he is going to stay on the treatment that is causing all of the leg issues. Please pray for peace. I'm trying to give it to God. As much as I want Mike to be cancer-free, I also want him to be able to walk, run and play with Trent.
Since I can't post without a picture, I'll leave you with this one.
This picture is a great reminder that
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… "
21 comments:
As you are all too familiar, I also have a worrier complex at times and need to do a much better job of giving those things to God (and I'm also living proof that even if you stay at home, your son may not say 20-50 words - ha!). But I love you in your unedited worrying even more than your "normal" happy state. You are SUCH an amazing mommy, wife, daughter, sister, friend. . .and the list goes on. And the courage and faith both you and Mike show is an inspiration to us all, even on days when you're worried - and I promise you worry way less than 95% of the rest of us!
April, I have always admired your faith and devotion to Mike. To be honest, I may have bailed on him when it all started before you were even married. Stay strong. God is in control. You have a beautiful family and you are a great mom and wife. Trent will be even stronger and have a deeper relationship with his daddy watching him go through this. Don't worry about the small stuff. Hold your head high and know that you are stronger than any of those starers even think they are.
April, thank you for the honesty posting. I've always thought that its crazy that we post such fun family pictures- as if our lives are always that happy and peaceful. You are a great mommy and wife and an encouragement to more people than you will ever know.
Girl!!! I just want you to know that I LOVE you to pieces :)
Thanks for being so real. That is such an asset and very hard for me to do (especially while blogging). It's just easier to post pretty pictures. Praying for you and Mike, specifically for Mike's pain to be relieved and that God will meet you right in the center of your circumstance daily!! Can't wait to hang with you in ATL!! -Ash
Thanks for the encouragement April. I don't think there's a mommy out there that doesn't struggle with pride or worry. oh, and if trent can only say ball, momma, dadda, and light then he must be completely normal. i stay at home with isaac and this is all he can say right now. HA!!
praying for mike! what a precious husband...
April...so glad you posted...and seriously I have been working on writing a "reality post"...but I am glad to know an update on Mike and just to hear your struggles...that are seriously way too familiar! We are always praying foryour sweet family every time we read your blog!
April, Great post!! Do not worry about Trent...I stay with Max and he doesn`t talk good either! We are actually about to start some therapy for him! I am amazed at what you and Mike have been through with his cancer and how strong yall are! When I think of you, I think of someone who is always smiling, so friendly, so down to earth and has a precious family!! Praying for Mike!!
LOVE YOU!!!
Appreciate your honesty and vulnerability April- I can relate to you in so many ways! That's always bothered me about the blog thing-that it seems to be everyone's "best front".That's why I like when people let you in on real life..not just the pretty pictures..But I'm thankful for the pretty pictures too..otherwise real life would be too hard! Love you friend!
Amen April! Great post! The Lord has great plans for your family and you! He is already teaching you so much and you are a great example for us who read your blog!
Caroline
April, you're not alone...I struggle with worry all the time! Put on your armor daily to keep the enemy from controlling your thoughts and claim the peace that we are promised through Him! I really admire your "honest" post. So many of us strive for that perfect image when really no one is perfect. Don't worry for a second about Trent's talking. He will be speaking before you know it and then you will wonder how to keep him quiet. And remember that God is ALWAYS in control of Mike's health and all we can do is pray... and know that Mike is covered in PRAYER daily! We love yall!!
I don't know you, but I'm praying for ya. I pray for peace and comfort to surround you.
April,
I am constantly in awe of all of your abilities and your faith and dedication. You are fabulous and so are Mike and Trent. I need to post more "real" posts too, but I am sometimes lucky to get one blog a month out there. I think in retrospect every month, only the funny good moments come through and I am sure you feel the same way!
I am praying for y'all and Mike's healing.
Kristin
April, because you are an authentic person you have so many friends who would jump at a moment to surround you with support. Since I have stayed at home with Summer we have struggled with money...there I said it. My pride has been holding that burden and it gets heavy when I have to carry it alone. You are not alone! I will pray for Mike's health, you and Trent. I just posted a great song on my blog that you might connect with,check it out.
Praying for you guys today! And Will is exactly 2 days younger than Trent and is still holding strong with Mama, Dada, Ball, Duck, Water, and Bye-Bye. They will come around! Don't you worry about that or you'll have me starting to worry :)
SO proud of you for this "unedited" post! You know how I feel about reading the blogs where everyone's children are perfect and their lives are struggle-free. :) I hope it goes without saying, but the Carters are always praying for peace and healing for you guys. YOU ARE THE BEST... worry and all!
I am feeling you!!! On the staring, and the baby not talking!!! If it makes you feel any better, I worried like crazy about Carson...I just knew he had Autism or something really bad...it was just my luck...I am happy to say that at almost 3 he can carry on a conversation!! At 18 months he only said "Uh-oh" and "mama"...sometimes!!! I know we all struggle at times, but it is what makes us stronger. :)Praying for you and Mike!! By the way...LOVE the pic of Trent!!
April what an amazing post. I just want you to know that I read your blog all the time and think what a perfect family! They have such a wonderful and precious little boy and must have such amazing love for one another considering all of your trials with Mike's cancer. As humans we all think the grass is greener on the other side. Keep worrying because that is what makes you YOU! I hope that good news comes soon and remember God does love you regardless of your life experiences. It's not about what happens here anyway. Trust in him!
April, what a great post. I can really relate to you as far as worrying about what others think. I've been praying for help with that one a lot lately too! You are such an amazing person and mother and inspiration to all who know you! We're praying for y'all and for a great report on Monday.
April - LOVE THIS ONE!!! Isn't it a great way to vent as well? I always feel better once I write everything down. Also - I worry about EVERYTHING. Your little boy is perfect - just believe it. Love you!
Thanks for being real, April. The real story is what people really want, anyway, even though we all try to put on our happy face. I hope y'all can get Mike's medications figured out. Oh, and, not that NI is the gauge for anything, but I assure you he doesn't say any more than Trent does. No worries about that!!
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